Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
