Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
