Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
