3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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