I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
