i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
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Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
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I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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