you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
