is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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