I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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