I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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