the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
