Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
