I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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