I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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