fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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