I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...