6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???