you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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