I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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