my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
