I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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