She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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