ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
