You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
