Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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