if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
