she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm too high and old for this...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
