His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
