Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
