she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
