I want to have your abortion
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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