even my farts smell like vagina
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
