Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
We had sex on a dog bed..
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
