I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
