i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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