you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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