Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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