he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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