If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
