so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
