i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
