i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
