I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
