Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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