Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
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Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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