Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
