so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize