do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
