good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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