I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
