If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
