I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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