And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
