Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
