just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
