I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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