Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
