The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I think I sprained my soul last night
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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