I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
