I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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