Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
